occupation

stealth ninja by day...daydreamer by night.
whattaya think i was going to say- street walker? honey, i dont come cheap.

i have a day time "career". I write it with " " because well let's be honest- my job sucks donkey balls and that's the damned truth. it would be a blasphemous lie to write it without the " ". i'm all about the damn truth today people... nothing but the truth.
if daydreaming could be a job, that would be my full time 24/7 career. ill be the all star employee of the decade.
im the girl w/my head in the clouds... all the time.

w/that said, i will now divulge one of the fantasies that i harbor.
see, i want to be a writer. i dream about writing a novel one day. however. i am pretty aware of my lack of discipline. mainly- my biggest vice is having fun. some people smoke crack. some people slut around. me- i love me some fun.
i could prob have a real career, as opposed to a "career" if i was ready to give up some of my social time. however i am not. i not only love to have fun, i am great at it. i know how to have a damned good time. i enjoy the act of creating/partaking in an amusing situation.

however, i'm the fucking laziest piece of shit i know.
my friends and i always wistfully wish for a pill that can make us drunk without having to endure all the drinking. pop a pill and ooweee- im drunk!
fast forward the pain and hassle and get to the good part already fools!
that's pretty much what i want for my writing career.
fast forward the writing aspect of it and get to the part where my novel gets published and sells a fucking gazillion copies and i become literature's It Girl. not only will i be the youngest but the hottest.
this is one of those wistful "realistic" fantasies of mine. not the fantasy fantasy ones were you know- i get transported to an alternate universe where all the females are butt ugly ( except for .... me!) and the males are hot as models. im talking about a semi-fantasy that could be based on reality.
so to concrete that "realistic" element and not just gloss over the writing of the novel aspect of it (cz then that really would be pure fantasy), i fantasize that i would go on a 2 day coke binge where i am at my creative apex. i bang out my revolutionary novel in a 48 hour continuous span. i imagine the scene with me sitting at my computer with sweat pouring down my disgusting unwashed body and my vacant eyes crackled with red as i feverishly type away w/angry jabs.
not only will i not shower, sleep, pee/poop.. i will also not eat (coincidentally allowing me to lose 10 lbs- hooray!). after my coke binge is over- i will fall asleep and wake up to my novel ready and saved on my computer.
it would be a bit too easy to let myself off like that so i always throw in another "realistic" element to balance out the pure fantasy of it.. like i would then be a slightly tortured soul for a few months as i try to pull away from the allure of the sweet white girl and all her dirty charms... my friends and family would rally around me as i finally make my break.
the bittersweet success of my novel will anchor me down as i vow to never touch drugs ever again. drugs-bad. say no to drugs!
sometimes i even bargain w/myself (my real self) on exactly how much of a give and take there is. how much am i willing to give to get what i want?
how about if i only have that one successful novel, never to write again? oh fine. ill take it- just give me that one novel first!
that's the general fantasy.

that's always been one of my secret fantasies. i occasionally pull it out of the Rolodex of my mind to enjoy like a good glass of wine. ahhh.
today was one of those days and i had wanted to share that sweet fantasy with you all.
of course- i've never tried coke before in my life. really.
nor would i even know where to get it. or would i know how i would react. or even why i think it would pull me in some sort of creative nirvana (fantasy much?).
nonetheless- file that under weird ass shit my mind thinks of.